I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Best seat on the street 😍
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Whoa 😂
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
(Jupiter –
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
opening twitter today
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.