Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday