Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it鈥檚 cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Life in your 40鈥檚:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it鈥檚 Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn鈥檛 forget.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
馃槀馃槀
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they鈥檙e referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald鈥檚.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I鈥檓 going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.