A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
a badder mouse
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.