LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I can’t stop watching this.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Breaking news:
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.