Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
me when the borders lift
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.