My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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This is me
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My life in a nutshell
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Breaking news:
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.