Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust