When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
You Might Also Like
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.