Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
🍛
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…