My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
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*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive