That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
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Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.