I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
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The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
X-tra spooky blend
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.