Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
new career option?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever