Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
bout dat hot dog summer
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.