I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.