My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
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[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them