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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch