It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?