her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes