New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Blew my mind.
Um … Hot Wings please
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start