Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.