Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
guys I’m going home
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it