Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside