*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*