i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!