After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried