fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA