Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
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When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me