yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
The Others (2001)
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.