There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
You Might Also Like
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
i think my razor is having a panic attack
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff