thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!