after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
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WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.