Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
You Might Also Like
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
tourist season
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
british sex workers really pound for pound
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.