What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Perfection.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
choose your fighter
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.