So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*jazz hands*
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent