Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
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Love this guy
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
They grow up so quick
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob