So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
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“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
What a year we’ve had this week.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”