I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits