if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
You Might Also Like
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
PARKOUR
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.