Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
You Might Also Like
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.