The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
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genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana