I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
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A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?