If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something