At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
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*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
That’s it.I’m out.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
mentally somewhere in italy