While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son