Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no