Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
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Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.