There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
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My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Oops I deleted….
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Welcome
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.