My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.